Every so often, I go back and read my old writing. Sometimes that’s my short stories from elementary school, novel beginnings from when I was thirteen, or Secretary’s Corners from last year. I usually have one of two reactions. “I wrote this?!” or “I wrote this?” The first is a disbelief that I could possibly written something so profound, clever or all around good. The second…is when you read something you wrote in a stroke of genius at like 11pm and it feels like a fever dream. It’s more of a mild disgust or just a laughable moment. Then there’s that rare third reaction: the “Wait…this is really good. Did I plagiarize this from something I read when I was eight?” This reaction is followed by frantic googling for the next thirty minutes.
I’m sure most people can relate to this on some level. There are things you’ve built or been part of that you are so proud of but don’t even know how it happened. And there’s often the things that you use to think was way better than it actually is.
I have recently discovered that this reaction, for me, goes a lot deeper than I realized it did. It’s funny how life works like that. It usually takes me a while to piece together all the reasons I feel a certain way or reacted a certain way. Then I figure it out and I’m mildly baffled that I didn’t realize it sooner.
I was relating some of this to a few people the other night, but one thing I recently realized was that the biggest roadblock I face when it comes to a lot of my life, whether it’s creative or just relational, is Imposter Syndrome. Again, I think this is something a lot of people can relate to on some level. I’m sure everyone has had moments of self doubt.
The definition of Imposter Syndrome is a psychological pattern where people doubt their skills and feel like frauds, fearing they’ll be exposed despite evidence of success, often attributing accomplishments to luck. I didn’t realize this was a thing for a long time, but now that I read this definition, I realize how much of this I often feel.
I also realized how many areas of my life this affects. The most obvious place is my writing. I get scared that I’m not actually a writer, like it’s something you can measure, that somehow, I will get almost to the end and only then realize I can’t write. It’s kind of crippling, if you don’t hack down that vine of thought. I’ve been getting better in the writing arena. I’ve been focusing on my craft and immersing myself in things that tell me, I can do it. It helps a lot.
But I was also realizing that somehow Imposter Syndrome has affected a lot of other areas of my life as well. I feel like I can’t actually get to know new people, because something will “expose me” and show that I’m somehow a fraudulent friend. As I was realizing saying all these things the other night, when I say it out loud, it sounds ridiculous. But I know there’s a heart issue there to resolve.
As I’m writing, I’m realizing now many areas of my life this truly tampers with. I’m realizing why failure has always been such a huge issue to me, why I struggle to talk to new people, why I couldn’t take constructive criticism for the longest time.
This is a very long segment, much longer than I normally do. Sorry about that! But, see, this right here proves to me why I should be writing. I know it can have a wider impact, but at the very least, it is therapeutic and I always learn a crazy amount about myself if I just let the words flow.
I’ve even found that I sometimes speak to myself in hindsight. My first novel (and oh, what a novel that is…) my main character has some stuff she was going through. I wrote her this whole character arc, showed her the truth to what she was believing. It was great. Then like a month later, I discovered that the lie this character had rooted in her heart was a lie I had rooted in my own heart. I basically had to take the same character arc as a fictional person I created in order to work this lie out of me. (I don’t even know how to explain how this works. Yes, the character came from my head. Yes, the character made a lot of decisions I didn’t endorse or want her to make. She had a mind of her own.) But ultimately, anyone else coming to these conclusions would probably not have helped me at all. It was something I had to come to on my own. And writing played a key role there.
This was kinda vulnerable to write about, but I’m going to take that risk because I know it is important. If any of you do struggle with Imposter Syndrome, it’s a real thing. Jesus is the only one who can speak to that hurt and pain. Truth will set you free from that burden. And it might take a while. I know it is for me. In your weakness Christ shines through.
And I know there’s some of you, probably most of you, who don’t usually struggle with this kind of thing. I would encourage you to look deep inside and see what you do struggle with. Jesus is there for that too. He is bigger than any circumstance, lie or roadblock. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.
“‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
